I got caught spooning with a boy.
*gasp!*
I was 16. I was the first in our small community of Christian families living in Central Asia to navigate the gauntlet of dating publically.
It was a steep learning curve for not just my parents but all my “aunts” and “uncles” who had co-raised me from the time I was 6.
Small, tight-knit communities can be so amazing. You’re friends with everyone. Because you have to be. And best friends become the strongest kind of family.
Small overseas communities also mean limited resources. The soccer coach is your Bible teacher, started Drama Club, leads youth group on Wednesdays and is also your mom. Third culture kids tend to live in places and communities where the circle of trusted adults can be very small. Which makes your role as parents, teachers or other leaders of any type so important!
My aunt Connie pulled me aside. “I do NOT want to see you spooning in my house again!” I felt the shame wash over me. Her tone and unfamiliar vocabulary sounded harsh and wrong. He just had his arm around me. What did she think we were doing??
In this scenario it would have been so helpful (and knocked out some lingering relationship hangups) to ask a trusted, less accusatory adult if spooning was another word for sex (the fear my sheltered and shamed 16 year old mind jumped to) and to have the vital and vulnerable conversation around young love, physical safety, emotional consent and so many other topics I learned the hard way.
TCKs need space
Growing up overseas can feel like you’re trapped in a fishbowl. Cultivating relationships and finding trusted adults or mentors outside of that community can relieve some of that pressure.
TCKs have lots of differing opinions
Your family is formed by multiple cultures, and will inevitably end up with a unique worldview, probably around topics that can feel intimidating. But this worldview is one of the greatest gifts you’re giving your kids. It is a strength. Support it. Challenge it. Hone it. Learn from it.
TCKs can struggle to feel like they have ownership of many things
As young people whose world is often changing or in transition the lack of control in their lives can be a real challenge and lead to more harmful habits around things they can control. Sharing small places of ownership returns some semblance of control around personal life and decisions. For younger ones this may be as simple as letting them pack their own bag for a trip (even if it gets filled with literal rocks!). For older TCKs involving them in decisions around schooling and moving (when possible) opens really important lines of communication.
The easy answers don’t always help.
TCKs from Christian families are well versed in tough theological questions and biblically sound answers from a very early age. And yet. A reminder that our true home is in heaven can feel more hurtful than helpful when we’re facing yet another series of heartwrenching goodbyes. The permission to be mad or confused is a healing process, too.
Even though these are hard realities, there is hope! Join me as I share the 3 best ways to create Safe Spaces with your TCKs, especially as you tackle tough conversations from sex to faith to loneliness to self care.
Still wondering what spooning is,
Jessi